Asking people for what we want can sometimes be a difficult process involving awkward discussions and potential conflict. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.

The secret to getting what you want from other people is to develop a genuine sense of reciprocity by giving before you receive.

The term ‘reciprocity’ describes the expectation that people will respond to you in the same way that you respond to them. So if you give another person something of value, they will be much more inclined to give you something in return.

Next time you want something from someone, instead of simply asking or demanding what you want, try using the following Reciprocity Formula.

The Reciprocity Formula

Step 1: Analyse the situation from the other person’s point of view and try to identify what they currently want. If you can’t figure out what they want, the best thing to do is to ask them.

Step 2: When you have identified the main thing they want, present your case by saying something like, "If I help you achieve… [what they want], could we discuss… [what you want]. Most reasonable people will be open to this approach because they are receiving before they have to give.

Step 3: Follow through and help the other person achieve their objective. The more time and effort you put in during this step, the more reciprocity you will develop.

Step 4: When you have achieved the objective you agreed upon, revisit your initial discussion and ask for what you originally wanted.

Here’s an example that shows how the Reciprocity Formula works in the real world:

Sherry worked as a Sales Rep in a software company and wanted to ask her boss for a raise. From previous experience, she knew that simply asking for a raise was rarely effective so she decided to apply the Reciprocity Formula.

Step 1: Sherry had lunch with her boss and asked him what his major goal was for the quarter. He informed her that what he really wanted was to sell 1000 copies of the companies new accounting software before the end of the financial year.

Step 2: Sherry then presented her case by saying, "If I can sell 1000 copies of the new accounting software by June 30th, would you be open to discussing a raise?" Her boss said he’d be happy to.

Step 3: Sherry got down to work and devised a viral marketing campaign on the Internet. She worked extremely hard and her boss could see that she was serious about achieving her goal.

Step 4: Sherry achieved her sales goal and arranged to have lunch with her boss again. In a three month time frame, she’d added a great deal of value to the company and in doing so, she’d also built up a genuine sense of reciprocity with her boss. Over lunch, Sherry’s boss confirmed that he would be happy to give her a raise.

Giving before you receive and developing a genuine sense of reciprocity is one of the most effective ways to get what you want from other people. So today, I’d like to encourage you to use the Reciprocity Formula to develop true WIN-WIN agreements that will help you achieve your most important life goals.

Until next time,

Dare To Dream!

Anthony

At the end of the day, what most people really want in life is to be happy.

Many people believe that happiness comes from obtaining certain objects. They say things like,

"I’ll be so happy when I get my new iPod!"

However, the happiness associated with obtaining these objects is usually fleeting. Have you ever received something you really wanted only to have it end up sitting on a shelf gathering dust a few weeks later? I know I have!

So, if lasting happiness can’t be found by obtaining ‘things’, how can we increase the levels of happiness in our lives?

I believe that the best way to obtain lasting happiness is to bring happiness into the lives of others. The most amazing thing about happiness is that the more you give away to others, the more you receive for yourself.

Here is a step-by-step plan that will help you bring happiness into the lives of others and thereby increase your own levels of happiness.

Step 1: Select someone in your life that you care about. It could be your partner, a child, a friend, a nephew or niece etc.

Step 2: Identify that person’s current passion in life. To do this, just ask them what they’re up to or interested in at the moment.

Step 3: Organise an experience that combines spending time with that person and persuing their passion.

Here’s a real life example to show you exactly how this works:

When my nephew Michael was 8 years old, his main passion in life was dinosaurs. One day I arranged to pick him up to go on an ‘adventure day’. Our first stop was a hardware store where we puchased a chisel to go with the two hammers I had picked up from home.

We then drove to a local beach called ‘Fossil Beach’ where we spent a few hours chipping away at rocks. What made this experience so special was that we were spending time together pursuing his main passion in life.

My nephew found two small fossils and was unbelievably excited. His happiness in turn made me incredibly happy. This trip is still one of our fondest memories even though it happened several years ago. The total cost of our expedition was $8.50.

So, whenever you’re feeling a little low and need a dose of happiness, one of the best things you can do is to focus on making someone else happy. Remember…

Until Next Time,

Dare To Dream!

Anthony

Here’s a true story of how one man rediscovered the Spirit of Christmas.

Michael looked up from his computer and glanced at the clock. The office was a hive of activity as people rushed from desk to desk trying to meet the unrealistic deadline that had been set by senior management. Everyone was tired and stressed. They had been working long hours for several weeks and were close to breaking point.

As he looked out the window to watch the crowds of shoppers bustling through the streets below, Michael felt something within him stir. It was Christmas – usually his favorite time of year, but somehow he had become so caught up in meetings and deadlines that it felt like the Spirit of Christmas had been evicted from the building.

He looked around at the tense faces of his fellow team members and realized that he wasn’t the only one who needed a dose of Christmas Spirit.

Michael made a decision…

It took him five minutes to formulate his plan and before he could change his mind, he walked into his manager’s office and outlined his ‘Christmas Proposal’. To his surprise, his manager agreed to his plan immediately.

Bolstered by his manager’s support, Michael returned to his desk and wrote out the following email:

—————–
Subject: Teleworks Toy Drive )
To: All Staff

Hi Everyone,

I’ve just been given the go ahead to launch the first
‘Telework’s Toy Drive’

Later today, I’ll be doing a quick walk around to collect 
contributions to buy toys for the Salvation Army.

It’s completely optional of course but I hope you’ll join 
in and help us bring a smile to the face of some little boys 
and girls on Christmas morning.

The toys we purchase will be on display in the foyer for the 
rest of the week.

By the way, if there are any Elves out there who would like 
to give me a hand, please let me know!

Regards,

Michael
—————–

As Michael pressed the ‘Send’ button he was a little unsure of how his initiative would be received by his busy co-workers. The answer came back almost immediately in the form of several emails offering support, encouragement and offers of help.

That afternoon, Michael and two volunteer ‘elves’ walked around the building collecting money in two santa hats. As they went, they explained the toy drive and wished everyone Happy Christmas.

When he returned to his desk, Michael was stunned to discover that they had collected $384!

The following day, Michael and his part-time elves went to a nearby toy shop during their lunch break. Michael asked to speak to the store manager and explained what they were doing. The manager immediately agreed to give them a 10% discount on all their purchases.

Michael and his friends had a fantastic time walking through the aisles and filling up three shopping trolleys with gifts for the children.

When they returned to work, they assembled all the toys in the foyer and sent out an email to let everyone know about the success of the Toy Drive.

Over the next week, the Toy Drive became quite a talking point and although they were still very busy, Michael thought he detected a change in the spirit that permeated the building.

At lunchtime on Friday, Michael and his volunteer elves carried several large bags of toys to a local Salvation Army depot.

As they entered the building, Michael saw a young girl standing by the doorway with her parents. When the little girl saw the presents, her eyes lit up and she grabbed her Dad’s leg and said, "Daddy look!"

In that instant, Michael felt a wave of happiness sweep over him from head to toe. He once again felt the sense of wonder, excitement and expectation that only Christmas can bring.

He realised that it wasn’t about the presents. It was about stepping up and making an effort. It was about making a connection with the people he worked with and more than anything else, it was about making a difference in some small way.

The true Spirit of Christmas is the spirit of Giving. It is the Spirit of Connecting with those around you and ultimately it is the Spirit of Love.

If you’re feeling a bit jaded this year, I’d like to encourage you to rediscover the Spirit of Christmas by implementing Michael’s simple plan at your workplace.

This Week’s Action Steps:

(1) Ask management for permission to run a Toy Drive.

(2) Send out a group email to let everyone know what’s happening. Feel free to use Michael’s email as a template if you like.

(3) Do a quick walk around to collect contributions.

(4) Purchase the toys and place them in a prominent spot for a few days so that everyone can see and enjoy what they have achieved as a group.

(5) Deliver the gifts to the Salvation Army or other charity of your choice.

If you decide to follow through on this idea, please take a photo and send it to me at anthony@anthonyfernando.com. I’d love to hear from you!

Until next time,

Dare To Dream!

Anthony

One of the most common questions I get asked is how to deal with a spouse, relative or close friend who has a tendency to be negative. Clearly in this situation you can’t simply walk away and spend all your time with positive people.

Imagine for a moment that your spouse, relative or friend is like a glass that is filled with a dark liquid which represents their negativity.

A lot of people try to rectify this situation by saying things like, "I really wish you’d stop being so negative all the time!"

The problem with this approach is that criticism is a form of negative energy and you are therefore adding more negativity to the situation which usually makes things worse not better.

So what’s the answer?

The answer is to pour positive energy into their glass instead!

As you continue to pour positive energy into their glass their negativity will slowly be diluted. Here are five ways to do this in the real world:

(1) Share fun and enjoyable experiences together. It is hard for people to be negative when they are having fun.

(2) Don’t dwell on negative conversations. When your spouse, relative or friend starts being negative, redirect the conversation to a less contentious topic. An effective way to do this is by asking a qustion about a new topic.

(3) Be a positive example. Continue to enjoy your life even if you initially have to do it alone. As you enjoy yourself, continually invite your spouse, relative or friend to join in the fun.

(4) Coordinate an Escape. Often negativity comes from staying in a negative environment for too long. A great way to help your spouse, relative or friend is to assist them to escape that environment on a regular basis. This can be as simple as getting out of the house and going for a walk. A complete change of scene can often act as a pressure valve and help you reconnect.

(5) Identify and Replace negative routines. Review how you spend time with your spouse, relative or friend and identify negative routines such as complaining about your job every week at Friday night drinks. Once you’ve identified a negative routine, replace it with something different to break the pattern of negativity.

At the end of the day, we all have a tendency to be negative at times and what we need at those times is someone to help lift us up rather than criticise us for being negative. Therefore the most effective way to deal with negativity is to dilute it with positive experiences and positive energy.

Until next time,

Dare To Dream!

Anthony

An important skill for achieving success in life is learning how to respond to feedback from the people around you. When you master this skill you’ll have the power to improve almost every aspect of your life.

There are three different types of feedback:

(1) Positive feedback 

(2) Constructive negative feedback 

(3) Destructive negative feedback

How To Handle Positive Feedback

Positive feedback is a gift and it should be acknowledged and appreciated like any other gift. Surprisingly, many people dismiss positive feedback with off hand comments. Do any of these examples sound familiar to you?

Feedback: "You look beautiful tonight" 
Response: "No I don’t, I just look the same as always"

Feedback: "You did a great job on that report" 
Response: "Oh, it was nothing"

Feedback: "I love your necklace!" 
Response: "It’s not real, its a fake"

Making dismissive comments like this in response to positive feedback is the equivalent of being handed a gift and tossing it over your shoulder without even opening it.

A much better way to respond to positive feedback is to simply make eye contact, smile, and say, "Thank-you". By doing this you will acknowledge and enjoy the gift of positive feedback.

How To Handle Constructive Negative Feedback

Believe it or not, this is the most beneficial type of feedback of all. While positive feedback can help you feel better, constructive negative feedback can help you get better.

Many people get defensive when someone gives them constructive negative feedback. They say things like, "What would she know!" or alternatively, they try and justify themselves and prove the other person wrong.

A much better way to respond to constructive negative feedback is to thank the person for taking the time to provide you with feedback and then ask yourself:

How can I use this feedback to improve?

For example if you own a business and a customer complains about something, instead of trying to prove the customer wrong, thank them for the feedback and take the opportunity to improve your business so that the complaint does not impact another customer in the future.

When you use negative feedback in this way, it becomes a powerful tool for improving your business, your work environment and your relationships.

How To Handle Desctructive Negative Feedback

Destructive negative feedback is negative energy that is meant to cause pain rather than help you to improve. The important thing to understand about destructive feedback is that it is often a way for someone to lash out at the world around them.

In many cases it has very little to do with you and everything to do with the way that person is feeling about themselves and their own problems.

The best way to deal with destructive negative feedback is to recognise it for what it is and just let it go without taking it to heart.

Unfortunately many people have their ‘feedback model’ back-to-front. They dismiss positive feedback, fight constructive negative feedback and dwell on destructive negative feedback.

If instead, you can learn to accept and enjoy positive feedback, use constructive negative feedback to constantly improve and avoid destructive negative feedback, you will greatly accelerate your progress to success.

This Week’s Action Steps

1. Learn to recognise and distinguish between the three types of feedback.

2. When you receive positive feedback, accept and enjoy it as a gift. Simply make eye contact, smile and say thank-you.

3. When you receive constructive negative feedback say, "Thanks for the feedback" and use it to improve.

4. When you receive destructive negative feedback, recognise that it is the act of someone lashing out and don’t take it to heart.

Until next time,

Dare to dream!

Anthony

Sometimes a simple change of perspective can make all the difference. It can be like the dawn of a new day.

In response to the challenges life brings us, it’s easy to sometimes view the world from a perspective of survival. From this perspective we often examine situations and ask ourselves, "What can I get from this? What can I take? What can I gain?". This perspective is illustrated by the following picture:

One of the most powerful secrets for achieving success is to change this perspective and instead, examine the world from a perspective of contribution. Change the questions you ask yourself and instead of asking, "What can I get? What can I take? What can I gain?" ask, "What can I give? What can I share? What can I contribute?"

The most amazing thing about this change of perspective is that the more you contribute to the lives of others, the more you will receive in return.

For example if you run a business, instead of focusing on "making a sale", change your focus to "helping your customers and making a positive contribution to their life". When you do this, your customers will sense your genuine desire to help them and as a result you will gain more sales.

This Week’s Action Steps:

(1) In every situation ask yourself, "What can I give? What can I share? What can I contribute?"

(2) Make a contribution to others and enjoy the benefits life sends you in return.

Until next time,

Dare To Dream!

Anthony

Imagine for a moment that your close friend is offered the opportunity of a lifetime and within eight months they achieve complete financial freedom. How would you feel?

As always, the choice is up to you. You could choose to feel resentful or you could choose to be genuinely happy for your friend and share in the joy of their success.

In making your choice it’s very important to remember that:

For example, if you had a bad experience at school and resented your teachers, it would be very unlikely that you would become a teacher. In a similar way, the more you resent other people’s success, the less likely you are to achieve success yourself.

For some reason we often think that when someone succeeds, there is somehow ‘less success’ available for us. This is simply not true!

In fact, harboring feelings of resentment, envy, and jealousy is a dangerous trap that can prevent you from achieving success.

When someone you know succeeds, the best thing you can do is feel truly happy for them and share in their joy. In doing so, you will generate positive thoughts and feelings that will in turn accelerate your own success.

This Week’s Action Steps

1. Realise that feelings of resentment, envy and jealousy are roadblocks on your journey to success

2. If you are holding onto any of these feelings, let them go. The only person they are affecting is you

3. When someone you know succeeds, be genuinely happy for them and share in their joy

Until next time,

Dare to dream!

Anthony

There is a theory that states that the world is so interconnected that a butterfly flapping its wings in San Francisco can create tiny changes in the atmosphere that grow and evolve to eventually create a tornado in China.

The same idea applies to us as we go about our day-to-day activities.

Consider these two scenarios:

Scenario #1: The Black Butterfly

Peter was feeling intimidated and out of his depth. He was about to go into a crucial client meeting and he was stressed. As he walked to the meeting room, he caught the eye of his manager Karen who was sitting at her desk. Karen’s eyes instantly flicked down to her desk and Peter thought he saw her shake her head dismissively. His mood worsened.

He grabbed a cup of coffee and gulped it down, feeling his heart rate increase as the caffeine surged through his body. As the meeting began, Peter was defensive and confrontational. The client became annoyed. Peter retaliated with criticism of the client’s proposal. The client called the meeting to a close and consequently awarded his business to a competing firm.

In the space of 30 minutes, Peter had lost the company a $2 million dollar contract. Three months later, Peter was looking for a new job.

Scenario #2: The Golden Butterfly

Peter was feeling intimidated and out of his depth. He was about to go into a crucial client meeting and he was stressed. As he walked to the meeting room, he caught the eye of his manager Karen who was sitting at her desk. Karen beamed a warm smile, gave him the thumbs up and a nod of confidence. Peter smiled in return and felt his nerves settle slightly.

He grabbed a cup of water, closed his eyes and took a long cool drink. After several deep breaths, he entered the meeting room nervous but in control. Peter was professional and composed. The client was initially skeptical but as the presentation continued, he warmed to Peter’s ideas.

The following week, Karen called Peter into her office and congratulated him on landing a $2 million dollar contract. Three months later, Peter received a promotion.

Just like the story of the butterfly in San Francisco, these examples illustrate that small actions often set into motion a complex chain of events that lead to consequences that we can never fully appreciate.

As you go about your day to day activities, always remember that you have the ability to release both black and golden butterflies into the world.

A warm smile or a well timed word of encouragement often have more impact than you will ever know.

This Week’s Action Steps:

Release golden butterflies of warmth, kindness, friendship and love into the world at every opportunity. Each time you do or say something positive, imagine yourself releasing a golden butterfly into the air.

Enjoy the knowledge that your golden butterfly could set into motion a chain of events that brings happiness to thousands of people around the world.

Until Next Time,

Dare to Dream!

Anthony

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